This newborn session was extra special to me. Not only because this family is a part of my family, but because of what they went through to have this sweet baby boy. After I had already delivered the photos to Makenzie, I told her that I would love to blog the photos on this website. I asked her if she would want to share what they went through. I wanted to make sure that I made it clear that I didn’t want her to share her testimony for me or my business, I could share Grant’s images without ever mentioning what happened. I asked her if she wanted to share for other women who might be going through something similar and think that they are alone. Below is what Makenzie sent me for this post…
The pain was unexplainable. I was glad the kids weren’t home, and Adam had to be at work. I was able to scream, wail, and just mourn for the loss of my sweet baby. Telling the kids the next day was impossible, I had to have Adam tell them. Their sadness broke me even more. We told them that we would see the baby in heaven one day, and Jesus would watch over him or her until we got there. Trying for another baby was definitely something we were planning for now. Months went by and I felt as though I was healing, I clung to God after that. If nothing else, just to cling to hope for Him to answer my prayer yet again, and in accordance to MY plans. We found out in early March we were expecting again! We were both excited, but more cautious this time. We didn’t tell the kids, and we only told very few people. I was over the moon, but this time of year was hectic. Braedyn & Colton’s birthdays were coming up, I was preparing for a spring break camp at church, and still was trying to do everything in my power to nourish this growing child inside of me. I had gone to visit with a friend, when I noticed I was spotting again. I immediately left and told Adam what was going on. I went home and rested. I hadn’t experienced any more spotting until the next morning…it was happening again. And again I was alone. The kids were at school and Adam was working. I decided to clean. If I was going to be alone on this terrible, terrible day I was at least going to be productive. I was able to clean (angrily) for a good two hours before the agony hit. I lied down in the floor where I was and just lost it.
“Why was this happening when other women were having babies that didn’t want them?” “Why again?” “Was this punishment for past decisions?” I know all these questions were seeds of doubt placed in my mind by Satan, that maybe I was unworthy of God’s love and unworthy to have Him answer my prayers. I mourned again. This time more brief than the last. I had to move on and stop feeling sorry for myself. My family needed a wife and mother that was present and not couped up all the time. I went about life as usual except for one BIG thing…I was one angry Momma. Nobody really shares the nasty parts because quite honestly…it’s embarrassing. I may have been present, but most of the time I was not nice. I thought I was really good at masking it until one day, a couple of friends gently told me they could see how I had changed. They could see the anger and the hurt that had built up and they wanted me to know that they were there for me and praying for me. Boy, did that sting. If they could see it, who else could? I was so angry at God during this time that I hadn’t allowed myself to spend time in prayer an in His word, which were the only two things that were going to help me out of this pit. But how could I let go of this anger long enough to actually spend that time with Him? Pridefulness is something that I was struggling with. Why did I think I could be a better Momma than anyone else (especially the way I was acting at this point)? Why shouldn’t I have things to struggle with in this life? Don’t they make you stronger? Aren’t the trials we struggle through the things that build endurance? Why would I think that God, who is Master and Creator, the Saver of my soul, would want to punish me for the things He has already wiped clean? He wouldn’t. He is a Good and Sovereign God that knows my needs and my family’s needs more than I do. He is in control. Let go of the reigns control freak, and let God do His thing!
In early June, we found out we were expecting again. Unfortunately, as soon as I found out I began to allow Satan to steal my joy again. But this time, there was a kind friend that reminded me of the aforementioned Good God we serve, and how much more mighty He is than the thief of my joy. I was still apprehensive and this time we literally told a handful of people. I began hoping for weeks. At the 12 week mark we should be safe…At the 20 week mark we are halfway…At 27 weeks he would be viable…at 30 weeks we are in the home stretch. Within those last few weeks Satan was trying his hardest to try and steal back the joy he once held onto so tightly. “What if something happens to him in the womb and I don’t notice till it’s too late?” “What if something happens during labor and delivery?” “What if everything goes smoothly, but when I get him home and something happens in his sleep?” NOPE…Not today Satan. God is in control, not you OR me…so back off! On March 1st in the weeeeeeeeeeeeee hours of the morning…3:09 AM to be exact. Grant Collier Bryant came into the world, as happy and healthy as could be. You better believe I was praising the Lord after all we had gone through. To see the joy in Adam’s eyes when he saw his newest baby boy was so warming! I know that even as he had to be strong for me during all the pain of the past year and a half, he had felt the losses too. To say we were grateful for this beautiful and precious gift would be an understatement. Grant is our Rainbow Baby. The rainbow that comes after the storm and rain.